Get Over Being Shy and Feeling Drained

I once showed up to a party alone, before any of my friends arrived. Instead of mingling, I hid in the bathroom to kill time and avoid talking to strangers. Embarrassing, but true. For a shy person, social interaction can be a stomach-churning, anxiety-filled experience. It was for me. But with some work, I was able to get it under control and become comfortable with talking to people. Growing up, I was a timid, hide-behind-mom sort of kid. I learned to talk more as I grew older, but at my core, I was still that shy kid—and the fear of talking to new people lasted well into adulthood.

My friends and family probably wouldn't describe me as shy. But for me, being shy has always been about struggling to connect with people I don't know. I fear the unfamiliarity of a stranger—how they might judge or reject me. Maybe there's nothing inherently wrong with being timid, but when I started noticing how it affected my everyday life, I wanted to get it under control.

When shyness goes from awkward to problematic

It wasn't a single, enlightening experience that woke me up and made me decide to shed my shyness for good. It's been a gradual process. The more problems it causes, the more I learn to get over it. For example: at one of my first jobs, I ran into a small accounting issue for the company. The numbers on our client list didn't add up. Rather than bring it to my boss's attention and ask what I should do, I decided to deal with it and figure it out myself. I wasn't afraid of the work or of making mistakes—I was afraid of him (which was particularly crazy because he was a great, easygoing boss). But I was shy, so I said nothing, and the small accounting issue turned into a huge problem that took days to repair. Had I spoken up to begin with, I might've been a little embarrassed. But after things spun out of control, I was mortified.

At another job, I spoke to no one. I sat at my desk, did my work, and hoped people would just leave me alone. And they did, for the most part, except when one outgoing coworker accused me of being a little snobby. Of course, this came as a shock to me—I didn't think I was better than other people, I was intimidated by them! I asked what made her think that, and she said, "you never talk to us." At this point, my shyness was giving my colleagues the wrong idea about me. I didn't like that.

How I gradually kicked my shyness

Even now, my bashful side sometimes creeps up and wreaks havoc. Occasionally, I freeze up when people ask me questions. I force myself to speak, but I'm so intimidated that I sometimes blurt out stupid answers. I go to parties, and I absolutely dread talking to new people, because I'm unsure of how to maintain a conversation. The good news is: by practicing a few skills, these freeze-ups happen less and less. Here are a few realizations and tips that helped most.

Being shy doesn't have to be who I am

I'm introverted at heart, but that doesn't mean I have to be shy. The two are quite different, and realizing that shyness is a habit that can be broken was a big first step in understanding that I can develop social skills. I might not be the life of the party, but with a little effort, I can initiate and maintain conversations and learn to speak up for myself. I used to have a bad habit of cracking my knuckles. That wasn't who I was; it was something I did. If I could break that habit, surely I could break my shyness.

It's not all about me

Shy people often overthink their behavior and responses. I'd end up obsessively mulling over everything I said or did, wondering what others think of me. Did I say something stupid? Did I say something that might seem offensive? I still do this. After I've hung out with new friends, I'll often think about every tiny thing I said after the interaction. If I said something even slightly embarrassing, or something that could be taken the wrong way, I kick myself.

I used to do this constantly, and it made me dread social interaction even more. But a close friend said something to me that stuck: "I don't mean to sound rude, but you don't realize how little people probably think about you." It made me feel like a narcissistic jackass. But really, it is a little self-centered to think people are always considering my every word and behavior. The truth is, they probably don't care. This was a great relief.

After all, when someone says something embarrassing to me, I don't skewer them for it. I figure I misunderstood them or they didn't quite mean it the way they said it. Or I laugh it off. We all say stupid things occasionally, and most people realize that. You should definitely think before opening your mouth, but overthinking after the fact can drive you nuts. Overall, I learned that I might be awkward, but no one is thinking about my awkwardness as much as I am, obsessing over it only makes that feeling worse.

Accept the challenge, then take small steps

I started to recognize my shyness as a trigger. When I felt it coming on, that was my cue to accept the challenge to be social. This helped me focus my attention on it.

I took small steps toward overcoming my shyness. At my first post-college job, I worked in an office full of people. I remember coming in every morning, and immediately feeling shy about walking into the room. So I gave myself a challenge: I vowed to simply come in and say "good morning" each day. After doing this for a while, it just became natural. It wasn't intimidating anymore, and it helped me become more comfortable around my coworkers. Here are a couple of other small steps I took:

When I had a work question, rather than send out a passive email or tell myself I'd just ask next time I saw the person, I immediately got up and asked them (as long as they weren't busy).

If I ran into someone in the break room, rather than meekly step around them, or worse, go back to my desk and wait for them to leave, I forced myself to say, "how's it going?" Sure, sometimes they'd reply, and I'd freeze up. But I tried not to think about that step; I only focused on those three words: how's it going?

Those are just a few, but there are so many other possibilities. Force yourself to ask for directions. Give someone a compliment. After a while, these habits will become second nature.

For outgoing people, these challenges probably seem pretty odd. Is it really that hard to say "how's it going?" Sometimes, yes. That's the fun of being shy.

My shyness is worse when others are especially outgoing. Sometimes it feels like you have to hurry up and blurt out whatever you're trying to say, because the people around you talk so much. For a shy person, this can make social interaction even more stressful. It's not for everyone, but public speaking classes were immensely helpful for me. In high school, I took a debate class, and in college, I took a public speaking class. In both, I learned to be comfortable with my voice. It gave me a chance to practice speaking in a situation where others are forced to listen. You have the breathing room and time you need to be eloquent. I might still be interrupted in the real world, but at least I have a bit more confidence in my speaking.

Learn why you're shy

Researchers at Indiana University Southeast also suggest learning why you're shy. People might be shy for different reasons, they say:

For example, do you become shy when meeting new people, interacting at a social gathering, or speaking to someone to whom you find yourself attracted? Try to understand if your shyness manifests itself cognitively (e.g., excessive self-consciousness or self-deprecating statements), affectively (e.g., overriding feelings of anxiety), or behaviorally (e.g., failure to speak to others at social gatherings).

When you have a better understanding of your shyness, you can figure out the best route to overcome it.

Learn the art of small talk

As much as everyone hates small talk, it's a necessary part of social interaction. For shy people, it can also be really helpful for getting used to that interaction—like practice for the real thing. In The Fine Art of Small Talk, author Debra Fine makes a few useful suggestions. At gatherings, I like to use her Occasion-Location Rule. If you're at an event, and you don't know how to initiate or maintain a conversation with a stranger, the occasion and location can help you come up with an opener. Fine writes:

The location and occasion of an event offer a wide variety of free information. At a wedding: I was the bride's college roommate. How do you know the couple? At a seminar or convention, simply asking What brought you to this event? is an easy and unobtrusive way to start a conversation.

It may seem obvious, but when you're intimidated at a party, remembering this rule can be grounding. She also suggests asking open-ended questions to get a conversation going. For example, if I really wanted to talk to a coworker in the break room, instead of saying "How's it going?", which is more of a pleasantry than anything, I could say, "What'd you do this weekend?"

We've also covered the FORD technique for making small talk. It's pretty simple. Think about a couple of questions in the following categories—family, occupation, recreation, and dreams. Keep those questions on hand to start a lasting conversation with people you meet.

With a little practice, I've gotten over my timidness, but not completely. There are still plenty of times I recoil from the anticipation of interaction. I've accepted that I'll probably always be a little shy about some things. But then again, maybe we all are. And that's okay. It's a gradual process. 

Like most habits, it doesn't go away overnight. While I'm still learning how to deal with it, these skills and realizations have made it much easier to come out of my shell, however comfortable it may be in there. There are going to be times where you'll be feeling drained in a social situation, but you need to stick around for a little while longer. This may be because of outside pressure or circumstances, or because being able to hang in there is important to you. 

Here are some quick ideas:

Have something to eat

If you haven't eaten in a while your energy levels may subtly slip. During some social activities it's easy for a few food-free hours to go by before you know it. Having a snack may help get you back to normal. However, don't eat too much or you may begin to go into a food coma and end up worse off than where you started. People who are thrifty or on special diets may have trouble with this point. The thrifty types because they're more reluctant to spend money on food when they're out, and people on diets because sometimes it's hard to find anything but junk (e.g., there are no street vendors selling salads outside the bars at 1am).

Wait to get your second wind

Tiredness comes in waves. If you can wait out your current bout of low energy you'll often start to feel more awake after twenty minutes or so. It's all in how you look at it. Rather than feeling drained and concluding, "That's it. I have to leave", you can think, "I'm tired now, but I'll be back to normal soon enough.

Throw things into another gear to re-engage yourself and get your energy back

When we feel ourselves start to get drained it's easy to go along with it and continue down that slope. We feel compelled to withdraw and give up. It can help to consciously try to snap yourself out of it and make an effort to get back into the action and wake yourself up. Like if you're hanging out with some friends at a party and you're feeling drained, it would be simple to just continue to sit where you are and zone out. Instead, it may help to purposely throw yourself back into the conversation. If your tiredness is partially due to boredom, try to change the topic to something you care about, or go talk to someone else. If you've been sitting too long, get up and move around. Anything to shake yourself out of feeling disengaged and lost in your head.

Working around a tendency to get drained over the long term

Below I'll share some advice that comes from two different philosophies. The two approaches aren't mutually exclusive either. The first set of ideas in this section assume that a tendency to get drained in social situations is just part of how some people are made up and can't be changed all that much. The best you can do is work around it:

- Realize it's okay to get drained by socializing and to want to take it easy by yourself

Even more sociable people have a limit on how much time they can be around others. They like their alone time too. I think people who get easily drained by other's company can come to feel there's something wrong with them because they want to go home and read on the internet for a bit after having lunch with their friends. Everyone is like this to some degree. If you can make peace with your tendency to get drained you can feel a lot more comfortable with taking the time for yourself you need, without feeling conflicted or guilty or bitter at society about it.

- Realize you tend to get drained and plan and ration out your social commitments ahead of time

You'll hear this piece of advice all over the place, and it's a key strategy. If you know certain social situations tire you out then plan ahead to make them short enough, and to schedule yourself some downtime afterward. An afternoon at the beach may be followed by an evening of reading. A busy weekend at the cottage may be fine, as long as it's followed by a week of solid chilling out on your own. When you're planning get togethers with people, you could also build in some energy-conserving excuses ahead of time. Like you may agree to come to a party, but tell everyone you have to leave early because you're visiting your family the next morning. That way you won't get hassled by your friends wanting you to stick around when you tell them you need to head out.

Give yourself mini-breaks

If you're in the middle of a longer bout of socializing you can sometimes steal little recovery periods for yourself. For example if you're up at the cottage for the weekend, you could go for a walk or canoe ride by yourself, or sit on the veranda and read quietly. At a club you may be able to slip out for ten minutes to 'grab something to eat'. I do think you have to pay some attention to how your breaks come across to others though. Sometimes it just isn't the right moment to try to take one. For example, if you're sitting around with your family and talking to your visiting relatives, you don't want to just grab a book and start ignoring everyone if that's the kind of thing they would see as rude.

I'm talking about taking breaks as a kind of preventative measure here, to keep yourself from getting too depleted in the first place. They can also help in the shorter term. If you feel yourself getting drained, you can try to give yourself a little breather. Try not to extend your break too long though. It's like how if you intend to take a power nap, you don't want to end up falling asleep for two hours.

Tell your friends about your needs and try to get them on board

Some people won't get the idea of becoming drained by social contact even if you explain it to them. They'll still take your lack of energy as a personal slight, or insist you can use willpower to make it go away. However, hopefully your friends aren't like that and once your tell them how you're wired they'll be more understanding and accommodating. If you tell them, do it in a calm, confident way, since there's nothing abnormal about what you're dealing with. You don't need to phrase it as if you're confessing you once killed a man.

Socializing can be draining enough. It can be even more tiring when you feel you have to hide it, for fear of being judged. Getting it all out in the open may take some of its power away.

Decreasing your tendency to get drained over the long term

The points in this section come from a belief that people can eventually become less depleted by social situations. A lot of people probably want to strive towards this. Working around feeling drained definitely has its place, but some people don't want to only be able to hang around with their friends for an hour or two at a time. They want to be able to spend more time with people before they need to bow out and recover.

Increase your social skills and experience

Everything is more draining and mentally taxing where we're not as proficient at it, or you haven't been exposed to it for long enough. It's not a short-term solution, but the more your practice your social skills and get used to the scenarios that suck away your mental resources, the easier of a time you'll have with them. Also, as you improve your people skills you're better able to create fun, rewarding interactions for yourself. 

You're not just sitting there on the periphery with nothing to do, or getting overwhelmed by situations you can't handle. You may even start to get energized by social events that used to leave you feeling tired, bored, and discouraged. Some people may always have a tendency towards getting more drained by socializing than others, but getting more practice in can really take the edge off.

Push yourself to stay in social situations longer

This point is analogous to training to increase your cardio endurance. I've found that if you work at staying in social situations past the point where you'd normally want to leave you can gradually increase your tolerance to them. It can be hard going at first, but it may be surprising how over time you can come to enjoy spending a whole day with your friends if you practice resisting that urge to pack it in after a few hours.

Like I said, treat it like exercising and gradually work your way up. If you're socializing and you feel tired, tell yourself you'll stay for just another half hour. Maybe make a game of lasting as long as you can. Try to have as a good time as possible when you're out as well. Don't just go off into your own little world and run out the clock. You may have more fun than you expected and feel glad you didn't pack it in early. However, if you push yourself to remain in a situation, but feel groggy and unenthusiastic during the last stretch, don't worry about it. How one 'training session' goes doesn't matter much in the long run, as long as your tolerance is increasing overall.

Just be around people more often

When you don't hang around people a lot you can get very accustomed to being alone, and when you do have company it can feel a bit too new and different. It's a lot sooner until you want to eject and have some private time. If there are more people in your life day to day then your baseline can start to shift. It feels more 'normal' to be around others a lot.

Source: https://lifehacker.com/how-i-got-over-being-shy-and-embraced-talking-to-people-1692295385

https://www.succeedsocially.com/drained